Roomie From Hell
Random comments from a middle-aged woman with whom I was sharing a room. I can't remember what she was being treated for, but heavier sedation would have been a blessing.
- My tuna sandwich was just tuna and mayo. Tuna and mayo, tuna and mayo, can you imagine?
- I got tea. I don't drink tea. This tea is awful.
- Those nurses spend all their time reading and gossiping. They should have raised kids, they don't know what a hard day's work is.
- Would you sleep in this bed? Would you?
- He won't come and see me because he knows he'll get the what-for, the lazy old goat.
- I know food, I cook. This coleslaw tastes like curry. If I wanted curry I'd go to Pakistan.
Dumb Questions from Medical Professionals
And the replies I prevented by biting my tongue.
- Is your pain good?Oh yes, thank you, the my pain today is absolutely lovely. And don't worry, if it starts to subside, I can always poke myself in the eye with this pencil.
- Are you having a good day?Yes, yes thanks, one of the best I can remember. I'll really miss all of this when I go home.
- Can I get a blood sample?Obviously you're going to drive a needle into my vein to draw something out. Do you think there's a possibility it might be something other than blood? Are you really a nurse, or are you an actor from "Just For Laughs: Gags?"
Dumb Questions from Me
- Why do you call what you do "practice?"
- If you're going to ram a camera up my arse, why bother leaving the room while I undress?
Staff Analysis
There are three categories of staff, regardless of title, skill, experience or duties.
- Acers seem to know what they're doing, enjoy their work and make an effort to improve the patient's comfort. They all deserve raises. And flowers.
- Divas, too, are competent, but they want you to know it and want to make sure what a generous act it is for them to change a dressing or bring a glass of water. I feel sorry for their spouses and children.
- Culls simply shouldn't have been hired, for any job, but they show up at all levels, moving slowly and frequently changing direction for no apparent reason. Culls are especially disappointing when they attempt to insert a needle into your arm.
Voices from the Hallway
Scraps of conversation overheard from Culls loitering in the hallway outside my room:
- USA lost the cup. What can you do though? Yeah, it's just a game, eh?
- I've had it with him. As soon as we get back from Mexico, pfffft, he's history. But he owes me a nice trip.
- Auntie has a boy 32 and a girl 20. They're getting a little more mature, they're not teenagers anymore. They were good teenagers though.
The Valley Girls
I have no idea who these two are, or what they look like, but I'll bet they consult those cheesy "entertainment" magazines for paparazzi shots of Paris Hilton for fashion inspiration. I'm sure they both have little dogs that fit in their oversized Louis Vuitton cheap-knockoff bags.
They are indistingushable by voice. Same volume and pitch (a little on the high side), same breathless and perky delivery in the classic Valley Girl dialect (So I'm all like, you know, and so I go--" and the reply is invariably, "Shut up!").
I also think of them as The Giggle Girls because every conversation byte is ended with a near-hysterical, but thankfully brief, giggle. It is a good fit with most of their conversation, with subject matter such as What I Did on My Summer Vacation, Shopping, My Father is Soooo Old-Fashioned and the wildly popular Dumping My Lame Boyfriend.
When they discuss patient care, the giggles are somewhat horrifying.
- So, like, she wants to go home with her catheter, teeheeheehee!
- Shut up! She wants to go hoome with her catheter? Teeheeheehee!
- Yeah, like really! Teeheeheehee!
- Maybe I'll try that, teeheeheehee!
- It could be kinda good when you're watching TV and don't, like, you know, wanna get up, teeheeheehee!
- I'm always self-medicating too but I'm, like, well I'm a nurse so it's okay, teeheeheehee!
- Teeheeheehee!
Patient Communication 101
I'm convinced that every doctor learned these communication strategies at medical school. Thankfully, not all of them (most, but not all) choose not to use them:
- Avoid eye contact.
- Maintain a complete lack of facial expression.
- When patient explains their symptoms and medical history, acknowledge with no more than an ambiguous, disinterested, vague and very quiet, "uh hum."
- Strive to leave the patient wondering:
1) If you have heard them;
2) If you have understood them;
3) If you even care what they said. - Answer all direct questions with, "Everyone is different."
