rebooked and unquit

My original surgery date was May 3, but I cancelled that in a state of uncertainy and occasional bouts of panic. We're talking about cutting out most of my left lung, so it's not a casual decision, not like whether to have salad or fries with that sandwich.

I still don't know whether it's the right decision but, on May 12, I agreed to sign up again, and this time I'm determined to go through with it. After all, if I died becaue I didn't have it, I'd feel pretty silly, now wouldn't I? Dr. Ingrey sent the request to my surgeon, Dr. Evans, and the first word on the page was URGENT!

Ever since, the sound of the telephone leaves me cold. Is it my summons to a Vancouver General Hospital operating room? Is it the beginning of a lot of pain and downright inconvenience for the rest of the summer, at least? Total strangers, even telemarketers must wonder why I seem so happy to hear from them. My phone rings about a dozen times a day, so it's lots of little rollercoaster rides.

This morning I decided it best to follow up on the referral. Just in case. You never know, sometimes these things get misplaced. Plus, there was the fury of Dr. Evans' secretary when I cancelled last month. I didn't really expect that she was mad at me enough to lose the referral, thinking it best that I die as quickly as possible but, still, every day without a phone call made me wonder.

"Dr. Evans' office."
"Hi, this is Myrtle Winchester. I'd like to follow up on a surgery request from Dr. Ingrey in Pender Harbour a couple of weeks ago."
"You want your surgery date." No, this was not a question.
"Um, yes!"
"June twenty-second. Admit on the twenty-first between one-thirty and three-thirty."

After a pregnant pause long enough to make it clear that she had nothing more to say to me, I asked, as politely as I could manage, "When was the surgery scheduled?"
"A few weeks ago."
"Why wasn't I notified?"
"Because I was on holidays."
"When did you get back?"

This wasn't a pregnant pause but an angry one. Then...
"I got back Tuesday morning."
"Okay..."
"Good. Bye." Click.

Right. Not making any new friends today, are we Myrtle? Oh well, June 21, so I have a bit of breathing room. No pun intended, but it works. June 21, the first day of summer, the Summer Solstice. I'm sure this will be one to remember.

Did I mention that I unquit smoking?

The day I un-cancelled the surgery, I decided that a few weeks of cigarettes wouldn't make a big difference in my lifespan, and a few weeks of smoking again would certainly improve the quality. I like smoking and, although I quit nearly four months ago, it wasn't going well. Not going well at all.

There were times when I almost could have chewed off my arm for a cigarette. You know how they say it's so much easier after three days, three weeks, three months? They lie. The gum took the edge off but I couldn't quit the gum. I guess methadone addicts feel like this when they trade heroin for a more socially acceptable but equally addictive drug.

The first drag of that first cigarette tasted... well, strange, but not unpleasantly so. You know how they say it will taste so bad you'll feel like puking? They lie. By the end of that first smoke, I was enjoying the flavour as much as a fat slice of Billy's strawberry cheesecake. Home made with real whipped cream and fresh strawberries.

You know how they say the first one puts you right back to smoking as much or more than you ever did? They lie. Well, maybe not an outright lie, but an exaggeration for sure. The first couple of weeks I was smoking no more than half a dozen a day, and not really wanting more. A cigarette killed the craving like the gum never did, so after a smoke I forgot about smoking for hours. The gum didn't work quite like that.

And, yes, you're right. I'm rationalizing. I'm an addict and a spineless one at that. I'm also the reason lung cancer doesn't fare so well in the cancer family of national fundraising events, even though it's the cancer which kills more people than any other. Fundraising is all about marketing, so it's not hard to figure out why lung cancer isn't so popular a cause.

First and foremost, it's the cancer associated with smokers. Dirty, nasty, evil smokers. They deserve to get sick and die, they are 100% responsible for their cancer and they deserve what they get. Of course this is wrong, many non-smokers die of lung cancer, but who cares when you're deciding which disease to give your money to.

Next, lung cancer rarely occurs in children. Children are the best prop in any fundraising campaign. Where do you think the term "poster child" came from? Almost everyone loves babies and puppies, so huge dollars go to children's cancer research. And the SPCA.

Finally, there's breast cancer, which is the most common type of cancer but far from the deadliest. But, more people support breast cancer research than any other. Hmmm. Could it be the breast thing? Breasts are motherhood, breasts are sexy, breasts provide nourishment and fill out clothing nicely. And men love breasts. Breasts can make an otherwise rational man throw away his money, and we've all seen it happen. I'm not saying it isn't a good cause, but we can see why it's so successful.

But, lung cancer, well it's just not got a good hook. I also feel badly for the rectal cancer fundraising teams, because they've got their marketing work cut out for them too.

Some years ago, when I ran a store in downtown Madeira Park, I was accosted by fundraisers on an almost daily basis. The Cancer Society, Stroke Foundation, SPCA, Volunteer Firemen, Girl Guides, Music Society, Coast Guard Auxiliary, Seniors Housing Association, Legion, Lions, Rotary, community clubs, various environmental groups, school classes wanting to go on field trips and on and on and on. I simply couldn't give money to everyone, so I had to identify criteria for who got my donations.

Say you have $100 to give away. Who deserves it most? Where will it do the most good? Is it better to give 100 groups a dollar each or give it all to one? Is it more important to support people trying to cure a fatal disease or those providing shelter for unwanted pets? Underprivelidged children going to summer camp or volunteer firefighters saving lives? A new piano for free music lessons or affordable housing for seniors on a fixed income?

Well, of course they're all deserving and all the causes are good ones. So you can't decide, you can't give more to one and less to another and you can't afford to support them all. Ultimately it gets down to the person in your face with their hand out for a handout. If it's someone you know, it's a lot harder to refuse. And that's how irresponsible we are in deciding whether to help find a cure for a fatal disease or help buy a gleaming new baby grand.